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Subject: =?utf-8?Q?Field=20Report=3A=20The=20Beauty=20Contest?=
From: Reynard <reynard@wylde.market>
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https://wylde.market/collections/all?mc_cid=3D5121414ec1&mc_eid=3DUNIQID
Darlings.
I had the most extraordinary dream last night. I blame the Stilton. Pascal=
LaFontaine always warned me about cheese before bed. 'Reynard=2C' he woul=
d say=2C 'le fromage after midnight is not a snack=2C it is a s=C3=A9ance.=
' I should have listened.
Because what followed=2C mes choux=2C was a fever dream of such vivid absu=
rdity that I woke up with my brush in a knot.
I was hosting a beauty pageant. For vegetables.
The stage was fluorescent-lit =E2=80=94 naturally =E2=80=94 like every sup=
ermarket aisle in the country. I was at the microphone in a borrowed tuxed=
o (it pinched terribly around the brush=2C but one makes sacrifices for ar=
t). Before me: a panel of judges in grey suits with clipboards.
'Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the Annual Supermarket Specification Pag=
eant! Tonight =E2=80=94 the nation's finest produce competes for the ultim=
ate prize: a place on the shelf.'
First: the apples. A Gala stepped forward =E2=80=94 glossy=2C symmetrical=
=2C fifty-three percent red skin. Through. Behind her=2C a queue of waxed=
=2C buffed=2C identical specimens glided past like debutantes. Then a smal=
ler apple. Lopsided. A fleck on the skin. You could smell the flavour from=
the wings. She didn't make it to the microphone. 'Cosmetic fail=2C' said=
the clipboard. A quarter of the British apple crop=2C darlings. Rejected=
every year. For shape.
Next: the potatoes. A knobbly fellow from Suffolk shuffled forward. Beauti=
ful soil still on him. Dense=2C waxy flesh =E2=80=94 the kind that makes a=
roast dinner weep with gratitude. 'Too irregular=2C' said the clipboard.=
'And what's that mark?' 'That=2C darling=2C' I interjected=2C 'is called=
earth. It's where he grew.' He was out.
Then the tomatoes. A row of perfectly spherical=2C perfectly red=2C perfec=
tly pointless specimens rolled forward =E2=80=94 gassed into colour in a w=
arehouse=2C tasting of absolutely nothing. They sailed through. A heritage=
tomato =E2=80=94 gloriously misshapen=2C deep crimson=2C bursting with fl=
avour =E2=80=94 was escorted from the building by security. 'Inconsistent=
pigmentation.' I wept=2C mes choux. Even in a dream.
The reject bin grew ever fuller. The ugly ones. The knobbly ones. The ones=
with character and flavour and mud and stories. And the judges crowned th=
e blandest butternut squash I have ever seen 'Supreme Champion of the Shel=
f.'
Then I woke up.
Except I didn't. Not really. Because this is not a dream=2C darlings. This=
is what actually happens. Every day. Supermarkets publish specification s=
heets =E2=80=94 colour charts=2C diameter ranges=2C curvature tolerances=
=E2=80=94 and anything outside the lines is rejected. Fifty million tonne=
s of fruit and vegetables wasted in Europe every year for cosmetic reasons=
=2E The winners? Waxed=2C gassed=2C uniform=2C and tasting of almost nothing=
=2E
So what does a fox do?
A fox buys the ugly ones. A fox goes to a market=2C a farm shop=2C a growe=
r who doesn't own a specification sheet and wouldn't know a curvature tole=
rance if it bit him on the parsnip. Because flavour=2C darlings=2C does no=
t come in uniform sizes.
Toodle pip.
R.
X
PS =E2=80=94 I have since sworn off Stilton before bed. Not because of the=
dreams =E2=80=94 they were rather illuminating. But because I ate the ent=
ire wedge and now there is none left=2C which is a far greater tragedy tha=
n anything that happened to that butternut squash.
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<table align=3D"left" border=3D"0" cellpadding=3D"0" cells=
pacing=3D"0" style=3D"max-width: 100%;min-width: 100%;border-collapse: col=
lapse;mso-table-lspace: 0pt;mso-table-rspace: 0pt;-ms-text-size-adjust: 10=
0%;-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;float: left;" width=3D"100%" class=3D"mc=
nTextContentContainer">
<tbody><tr>
<td valign=3D"top" class=3D"mcnTextContent" style=
=3D"padding-top: 0;padding-right: 18px;padding-bottom: 9px;padding-left: 1=
8px;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%;-webkit-text-=
size-adjust: 100%;word-break: break-word;color: #757575;font-family: Helve=
tica;font-size: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">
<p data-sourcepos=3D"7:1-7:10;91-100" dir=3D"a=
uto" style=3D"margin: 10px 0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-=
text-size-adjust: 100%;-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-=
family: Helvetica;font-size: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">Dar=
lings.</p>
<p data-sourcepos=3D"9:1-9:241;102-342" dir=3D"auto" style=3D"margin: 10px=
0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%;-we=
bkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-family: Helvetica;font-siz=
e: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">I had the most extraordinary=
dream last night. I blame the Stilton. Pascal LaFontaine always warned me=
about cheese before bed. '<em>Reynard</em>=2C' he would say=2C '<em>le fr=
omage after midnight is not a snack=2C it is a s=C3=A9ance.</em>' I should=
have listened.</p>
<p data-sourcepos=3D"11:1-11:118;344-461" dir=3D"auto" style=3D"margin: 10=
px 0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%;-=
webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-family: Helvetica;font-s=
ize: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">Because what followed=2C <e=
m>mes choux</em>=2C was a fever dream of such vivid absurdity that I woke=
up with my brush in a knot.</p>
<p data-sourcepos=3D"13:1-13:48;463-510" dir=3D"auto" style=3D"margin: 10p=
x 0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%;-w=
ebkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-family: Helvetica;font-si=
ze: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">I was hosting a beauty pagea=
nt. For vegetables.</p>
<p data-sourcepos=3D"15:1-15:268;512-779" dir=3D"auto" style=3D"margin: 10=
px 0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%;-=
webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-family: Helvetica;font-s=
ize: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">The stage was fluorescent-l=
it =E2=80=94 naturally =E2=80=94 like every supermarket aisle in the count=
ry. I was at the microphone in a borrowed tuxedo (it pinched terribly arou=
nd the brush=2C but one makes sacrifices for art). Before me: a panel of j=
udges in grey suits with clipboards.</p>
<p data-sourcepos=3D"17:1-17:176;781-956" dir=3D"auto" style=3D"margin: 10=
px 0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%;-=
webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-family: Helvetica;font-s=
ize: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">'Ladies and gentlemen! Welc=
ome to the Annual Supermarket Specification Pageant! Tonight =E2=80=94 the=
nation's finest produce competes for the ultimate prize: <em>a place on t=
he shelf</em>.'</p>
<p data-sourcepos=3D"19:1-19:442;958-1399" dir=3D"auto" style=3D"margin: 1=
0px 0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%;=
-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-family: Helvetica;font-=
size: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">First: the apples. A Gala=
stepped forward =E2=80=94 glossy=2C symmetrical=2C fifty-three percent re=
d skin. Through. Behind her=2C a queue of waxed=2C buffed=2C identical spe=
cimens glided past like debutantes. Then a smaller apple. Lopsided. A flec=
k on the skin. You could smell the flavour from the wings. She didn't make=
it to the microphone. 'Cosmetic fail=2C' said the clipboard. A quarter of=
the British apple crop=2C darlings. Rejected every year. For shape.</p>
<p data-sourcepos=3D"21:1-21:321;1401-1721" dir=3D"auto" style=3D"margin:=
10px 0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100=
%;-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-family: Helvetica;fon=
t-size: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">Next: the potatoes. A kn=
obbly fellow from Suffolk shuffled forward. Beautiful soil still on him. D=
ense=2C waxy flesh =E2=80=94 the kind that makes a roast dinner weep with=
gratitude. 'Too irregular=2C' said the clipboard. 'And what's that mark?'=
'That=2C darling=2C' I interjected=2C 'is called <em>earth</em>. It's whe=
re he <em>grew</em>.' He was out.</p>
<p data-sourcepos=3D"23:1-23:391;1723-2113" dir=3D"auto" style=3D"margin:=
10px 0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100=
%;-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-family: Helvetica;fon=
t-size: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">Then the tomatoes. A row=
of perfectly spherical=2C perfectly red=2C perfectly <em>pointless</em> s=
pecimens rolled forward =E2=80=94 gassed into colour in a warehouse=2C tas=
ting of absolutely nothing. They sailed through. A heritage tomato =E2=80=
=94 gloriously misshapen=2C deep crimson=2C bursting with flavour =E2=80=
=94 was escorted from the building by security. 'Inconsistent pigmentation=
=2E' I wept=2C <em>mes choux</em>. Even in a dream.</p>
<p data-sourcepos=3D"25:1-25:226;2115-2340" dir=3D"auto" style=3D"margin:=
10px 0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100=
%;-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-family: Helvetica;fon=
t-size: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">The reject bin grew ever=
fuller. The ugly ones. The knobbly ones. The ones with character and flav=
our and mud and stories. And the judges crowned the blandest butternut squ=
ash I have ever seen 'Supreme Champion of the Shelf.'</p>
<p data-sourcepos=3D"27:1-27:16;2342-2357" dir=3D"auto" style=3D"margin: 1=
0px 0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%;=
-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-family: Helvetica;font-=
size: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">Then I woke up.</p>
<p data-sourcepos=3D"29:1-29:416;2359-2774" dir=3D"auto" style=3D"margin:=
10px 0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100=
%;-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-family: Helvetica;fon=
t-size: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">Except I didn't. Not rea=
lly. Because this is not a dream=2C darlings. This is what actually happen=
s. Every day. Supermarkets publish specification sheets =E2=80=94 colour c=
harts=2C diameter ranges=2C curvature tolerances =E2=80=94 and anything ou=
tside the lines is rejected. Fifty million tonnes of fruit and vegetables=
wasted in Europe every year for cosmetic reasons. The winners? Waxed=2C g=
assed=2C uniform=2C and tasting of almost nothing.</p>
<p data-sourcepos=3D"31:1-31:23;2776-2798" dir=3D"auto" style=3D"margin: 1=
0px 0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%;=
-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-family: Helvetica;font-=
size: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">So what does a fox do?</p>
<p data-sourcepos=3D"33:1-33:239;2800-3038" dir=3D"auto" style=3D"margin:=
10px 0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100=
%;-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-family: Helvetica;fon=
t-size: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">A fox buys the ugly ones=
=2E A fox goes to a market=2C a farm shop=2C a grower who doesn't own a spec=
ification sheet and wouldn't know a curvature tolerance if it bit him on t=
he parsnip. Because flavour=2C darlings=2C does not come in uniform sizes.=
</p>
<p data-sourcepos=3D"35:1-35:12;3040-3051" dir=3D"auto" style=3D"margin: 1=
0px 0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%;=
-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-family: Helvetica;font-=
size: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">Toodle pip.</p>
<p data-sourcepos=3D"37:1-37:3;3053-3055" dir=3D"auto" style=3D"margin: 10=
px 0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%;-=
webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-family: Helvetica;font-s=
ize: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">R.</p>
<p data-sourcepos=3D"39:1-39:2;3057-3058" dir=3D"auto" style=3D"margin: 10=
px 0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%;-=
webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-family: Helvetica;font-s=
ize: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;">X</p>
<p data-sourcepos=3D"41:1-41:257;3060-3316" dir=3D"auto" style=3D"margin:=
10px 0;padding: 0;mso-line-height-rule: exactly;-ms-text-size-adjust: 100=
%;-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;color: #757575;font-family: Helvetica;fon=
t-size: 16px;line-height: 150%;text-align: left;"><em>PS =E2=80=94 I have=
since sworn off Stilton before bed. Not because of the dreams =E2=80=94 t=
hey were rather illuminating. But because I ate the entire wedge and now t=
here is none left=2C which is a far greater tragedy than anything that hap=
pened to that butternut squash.</em></p>
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