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<P>Alright! A whole day without medication.</P>
<P>I was once thrown out of a mental hospital<br>
for depressing the other patients.</P>
<p>A young man was looking for a Valentine card<br>
but was having difficulty deciding, so he asked<br>
the clerk for help. She directed him to a beautiful<br>
embossed Valentine card, explaining, "It says,<br>
'To my one true love, the most beautiful woman in all the world,'<br>
on the inside."<br>
The young man was thrilled. "That's perfect!" he said.<br>
"That's exactly the kind of heartfelt message I was looking for!<br>
I'll take five."</p>
<P>My friend hates to work out, which means the treadmill in her<br>
bedroom barely gets used. Nevertheless, she swears by it.<br>
"It really works," she told me.
<br>"I throw my jeans over it and they get smaller."</P>
<P>A humanzee patent application was recently denied<br>on the basis of constitutional prohibitions against slavery.</P>
<P>Every time history repeats itself, the price goes up.</P>
<P>The future of music looks extremely good.<br>
Since it has now hit rock bottom,<br> there is no way to go but up.</P>
<P>We dare not trust our wit for making our house<br> pleasant to our friend,<br>
so we buy ice cream.</FONT><FONT SIZE=1> � Ralph Waldo Emerson</P>
</FONT><FONT SIZE=4><P>I am flabbergasted by all these gay marriages.</P>
<P>Oh well, I guess something had to replace disco.<br>
</P>
<P>I want to die like my grandfather; <br>
sound asleep with a smile on his face.</P>
<P>Of course, the passengers in his car were horrified.<br>
-----------------------------------<br>
<P>I haven't voted since 1964, when I voted<br>for
Lyndon Johnson, the "peace candidate".</P>
<I><P>Married daughter to mother</I>: Mom, I gave birth to triplets.<br>Isn�t that exciting?<br>
You know triplets are conceived only once in every 3 million times.</P>
<P>My heavens, Deborah, when did you have time to do housework?<br>
--------------------------------------</P>
<p>If you must choose between two evils,<br>
pick the one you've never tried before.</P>
<P>I've wrestled with reality for 50 years, and I'm happy, Doc. </P>
<P>I finally won. <br>
-------------------------------<br>
Coming home from his Little League game,<br>
Billy swung open the front door very excited.<br>
Unable to attend the game, his father immediately<br>
wanted to know what happened. <br>
"So, how did you do son?" <br>
he asked.<BR>
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. <br>
"I was responsible for the winning run!"<br>
"Really? How'd you do that?" <br>
<P>"I dropped the ball."<br>
------------------------------<br>
<P>I�m ticked off because my girlfriend won�t<br>
take me to the Downtown Art Festival this year. </P>
<P>She is afraid if she stops to enjoy the art,<br>
they will build a condo on top of her.<br>
-----------------------------<br>
I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.<br>
Ever since they let Clark Gable say "damn" in Gone with the Wind,<br>
it seems every new movie has either hell or damn in it.</P>
<P>Lord, give me the strength to change the things I can, <br>
the grace to accept the things I cannot<br>
� and a great big bag of money.</P>
<P>
I'm always relieved when someone delivers a eulogy<br>
and I realize I'm listening to it.
</FONT><FONT SIZE=1>� George Carlin</P>
</FONT><FONT SIZE=4>
<P>The one thing that can solve most of our problems is dancing.
</FONT><FONT SIZE=1>� James Brown</P>
</FONT><FONT SIZE=4>
<P>Our first day at a resort, my girlfriend and I decided to hit the beach.<BR>
When I went back to our room to get something to drink,<BR>one of the hotel
maids was making our bed.<BR>I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when
I paused and asked,<BR>�Can we drink beer on the beach?�</p>
<p>�Sure,� she said, �but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first.�<br>
-----------------------------------------<BR>
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.<BR>
However, I found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the<BR>
bed with a suitcase at his feet � who insisted he didn�t need my help<BR>
to leave the hospital.</p>
<p>After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him<BR>
to the elevator. On the way down, I asked if his wife was meeting him.</p>
�I don�t know,� he said. �She�s still upstairs in the bathroom changing<BR>
out of her hospital gown.�<br>
-----------------------------------------<BR>
The minute a woman walked into the post office,<BR>
the postmaster noticed the new earrings her husband had given her.
<P>�Those must be real diamonds,� he said.</P>
<P>�Yes,� she said. �How could you tell?�</p>
<p>�Because,� he said, �no one buys fake diamonds that small.�<BR>
-----------------------------------------<BR>
The week I got my puppy, I caught a stomach bug<br>
and stayed home from work one day. That afternoon,<br>
my girlfriend called to check up on me.
<p>"I'm OK," I said. "But guess who pooped in the dining room."</p>
<p>My girlfriend's response: "Who?"<br>
---------------------------------------------<br>
The Wall Street Journal reports that two million people got
married because of someone they met online.</P>
<p>The bad news: Four million got divorced because of someone they met online.<br>
-----------------------------------------<BR>
I turned to my father one night and said,<br>
"It's amazing -- 50 years and you never once had an affair.<br>
How do you account for that?"
<p>He replied, "I can't drive."<br>
-----------------------------------------<BR>
All right, folks, you�ve seen enough. Move along, please. </P>
<P>Come on, clear the sidewalk.</P>
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